my baby girl is 13 today

shania turned 13 today,i'm sad and happy. sad because of all the years that have flown by. and happy to see her grow into a beautiful young woman.i'm excited to see what the future holds and just know she is going to do something great with her life,no matter which path she chooses.i see so much of myself in her,it brings back a lot of memories of my childhood. i want to be a good mom to her,just like my mom was to me.my mom's shoes are hard to fill and i find myself questioning my parenting sometimes.shania and i talk a lot when everyone else is asleep,we talk about my mom and my childhood.and we talk about our fears hers of loosing grandma and mine of loosing my mom.shania is so warm and caring and such a little lady. i am so proud of her,i want us always to be close if i have learned anything about life it is so short and you have to make the most of each day.because unfortunately as i have learned there is no promise of tomorrow.i had the best time with shania the other night,we stayed up late drinking ice tea and looking through old photo's from her babyhood and mine.i feel so blessed to have such a beautiful daughter.

i love early mornings

as i sit here awake and all of my house is still quiet,i love this time of morning i can drink my coffee and enjoy the silence.but i also love it because i can watch my kids sleep and look at their peaceful faces.before the chaos begins,people ask me all of the time how i do it with 7 kids and stay sane. i usually answer them with who says i am sane lol.you know when i was growing up i always knew i wanted to be a mom,i was the neighborhood girl that everyone asked to babysit for them and i just loved being around children.but there was no set amount of kids i wanted i would always joke and say 12.but i did know i wanted a large family,there are so many good times and yes some bad times.but i wouldnt trade it for anything.my mom says i thrive on chaos and maybe she is right.because i couldnt imagine my life without any of them.some days i try to picture how my life would be without so many kids and i just cant i would be so bored.each one of them bring something so special to my life.charlie is my sweet,sensitive guy who would do anything for anyone.shania is my strong opinioned,independant girl who i love sometimes when everyone else is sleeping me and her will talk and talk.madeline is my little silly girl,she can make you laugh and laugh with the things she comes up with.riley is all boy and he keeps me hopping and makes life very interesting around here lol.JJ is such a funny boy and so serious he wants to know about everything and always keeps me thinking about things.sage is such a lover he likes to be held and snuggled he definately makes me see things from his world and its incredible.and little tucker is such a corker he keeps us all on our toes and demands attention he refuses to be ignored he just fits in so well and makes his presence known wherever he goes
life is good

one of those days

do you ever have one of those days where everything goes wrong,that was my day today.everything i touched broke and everything i picked up i dropped.then my vacumn cleaner quit and my dryer stopped working at the same time.i had to go get a new vacumn and dryer all in the same day.our dryer was on the way out but man why today of all days.shania ended up in the ER today with a stomach ache and they are treating her for the campylobacter again and my hubby missed work.i am just going to go to bed and pretend this day never happened LOL

summer

well i made it through the graduations.now summer is here, we have a lot of work to do this summer.replacing floors,painting,redecorating the kids room.
we also have some landscape work to do outside and i want to buy one of those quickset pools.we will put a fence with a padlock around the pool because i am a nervous nelly lol. i also want to put up a screened in sitting area and a swingset.now if only i was rockefeller it would be so much easier lol.and i have to start working on those mile long school supply lists.with 6 kids in school this year it is going to be expensive.i am going to resort to be the mom in walmart fighting with the other mom's over the last 20 cent gluestick.because they each need about a trillion dollars in supplies.now i am going to be watching the paper like a hawk looking for the deals and camping out in the store parking lot until the store opens lol.i always laughed at those women now i am no longer laughing.i will proudly race into a store and grab the deals.
lord what has my life become.

changes

that is the only word that describes my life perfectly right now.yesterday we had JJ'S preschool graduation,and tonight we have charlie's 8th grade graduation.i am so excited and happy to see them grow up,but at the same time i am so sad.these are moments i will never get to relive again with them.charlie was my first baby or as i like to say my teacher.he has taught me so much about love and compassion. i have never seen a kid his age with such a huge heart.he is always willing to help anyone.he truly amazes me and taught me to be a better person.a more giving person. i feel so blessed i was chosen to be his mom.JJ is such a sweetheart,and such a funny little boy.he is definately a thinker and is so serious! he comes up with questions and answers like you wouldnt think a 4 year old should.he has definately taught me to look at things differently.and to see the world with a whole new view.it's amazing to me to think sometimes it takes a child to open our eyes about things.to help us see not everything is black and white,there is a whole grey area.

mother's day

i looked at my kids today,and felt so lucky.i mean don't get me wrong i feel lucky everyday.but today i felt so blessed that these 7 beautiful kids call me mom.i don't know how or why i was choosen, to have such truly goodhearted and beautiful kids.i feel so lucky and blessed.i feel god gave me such a wonderful,fullfilling life. i'm not sure i deserve it sometimes.and i get scared that i am going to wake up and it is all a dream.and sometimes i get anxiety,like i feel so blessed. i worry something bad is going to happen.and my dream will become a nightmare. i know that probably sounds dumb,but i can't help it.i think it is easier sometimes,to always see the bad part of everything,but you know what sometimes we have to look to the good parts. and sometimes we all need a wakeup call, that life can always be worse. like loosing a spouse or child.
so that has been my outlook lately. so i have ot ride the bus, you know what i'm lucky that i live somewhere where i can access a bus.and my husband can still get to work everyday.and we are blessed that we still have a job for my husband to go to.in this unstable economy.thank you god. you are good.

amazed!!!

when i look at my kids, i get amazed. these little people are shaping into their own person. and everyday they learn something that just flabbergasts me.it's amazing to know,one of my children could grow up to be the president or the next scientist,that discover's a cure for a major disease.they are like little sponges and just absorb anything and everything.but it is also scary being a parent to know what you do or don't do.or how you handle something could affect the way they do things or see things. it's scary to know you hold their futures in your hand.my son will be entering high school this year and i think to myself,have i done everything right is there anything i should've done different?
it is scary to think that one decision,no matter how trivial the matter seemed. could have a lasting effect on our children.we have the honor and burden of raising the future generation and we only have one chance to get it right.there are no do over's.and that both frightens and amazes me all at the same time.
i find myself wondering what kind of parents they will be,when i sit there looking at shania comforting one of the babies. i get a great feeling cause she is very nurturing.and then i worry when my kids make the wrong decision, am i looking in to the future or was this a one time deal.kids are truly a blessing and amazing and scary all at the same time.

I HURT MY SHOULDER

uggg from carrying grocery bags home from the bus stop. it is all purple and i can't lift my arm hardly at all. the bus stop is 2 blocks from my house. that's the closest i can come to my house.it was pouring rain and me and the kids got stuck in it. we were trying to get home fast.the stroller can only hold so much.
by the time we got home, we were so wet we literally rung our clothes out. of course i was just in a t-shirt because my jacket is missing.it is so frustrating, i try to make the most out of every trip. because it is 15.00 a trip .but i can't buy too much because we can't carry it home. can't afford a taxi it is 40.00 one way.
and if i forget something, my choices are to get back on the bus or go without it.
i'm tired and frustrated. and just keep telling myself this too shall pass. it takes 2 busses and 1 hour each way to get 5 miles up the road to our walmart. so 4 busses and 3 hours later after transfering busses twice both ways we are home ugggg.

life

just some random thoughts today.is your life where you thought it would be?
mine definately isn't.now don't get me wrong,i never imagined i would have everything handed to me on a silver platter. and wouldn't want it that way. i like working for everything we get.but i honestly was raised thinking if you live right and do onto other's your life will be good.if you worked hard you would be rewarded.i am blessed in many area's of my life, for example i have a wonderful husband who would do anything for me and the kids.and i was definately blessed with beautiful,thoughtful children who i love more then anything.
but my life is so much harder then i thought it would be. so many struggles and i know the tough times only make you stronger. and they make you appreciate what you do have.i learned that lesson well after we went homeless and lost everything. i don't miss the material things, the only thing i miss that we lost is my kids baby books those are not replaceable, and all the pictures of my 4 older kids as babies. thankfully my mom and sister gave me all of the pics they had from when my older kids were babies.i cherish them. and have started a scrapbook for each of my kids with their pictures so they have some type of baby books. i just wish somedays life would be easy, it would be a nice change of pace.
hey i can dream right? LOL!

blah

do you ever have days that you just feel tired. im talking the whole tired like physically,mentally,emotionally. im having one of those days today. there really is no reason for it,im too tired to type, to talk,to think, to care. iv'e never been this kind of person.i have exhausted myself caring about people all of the time.
but who really cares about me in return?i have a very select few people who i know really do care.but the rest i know respond to me just to respond or just to get their post count up. and then i find myself wondering why should i care if they don't. but i can't bring myself to be like that it just dosent come natural to me.sometimes i just wish i didnt care, but i do . i just wish more people showed me the same care in return.
i haven't been around on the message boards lately.only responding here and there. i just don't have the energy to type what we are having for dinner and i just don't care what other people are having either.
and im sick of getting 300 views and only 5 or 6 replies. so i dont bother posting much anymore. so since i dont have that outlet to get support i just write it on my blog and it makes me feel better to type it out.
no real point just rambeling i guess.

uggggg strep

yup that's what i have. i walked to the hospital. where they took my vitals and then gagged the crap out of me with the strep swab. got put back in a room. the doctor comes in and looks at my throat and said i am starting you on medicine .
im not even waiting for the test results. so then i go to the hospital pharmacy to fill my prescription.see them loading this huge bottle with these huge horsepills.and i just knew it was mine,cause i am lucky like that.and then she told me i have to take 2 of these huge pills 3 times a day for 10 days .ummmm ok my throat is so swollen but i will choke them down.now on day 3 my throat is almost all better .i can actually swallow without feeling like i am swallowing razor blades.uhgggggg just shoot me

bus drivers are rude

i never realized this until i started having to ride one
i get on today tucker in one arm. and 4 huge grocery bags , im tired ,cold and stressed to the max and i was trying to get my money ready with my numb hands and the bus driver yells at me hurry up!!! and take a seat. why the rudeness i was going as fast as i can. i told him very calmly i hope he never has to ride the bus with his arms breaking off with 7 kids and he just sighed a rude sigh. im sick of waiting in the cold,sick of rude people ,just sick of life in general.
everyone keeps telling me to have faith. well i just dont have it right now. usually i get through these kinds of things with humor. but right now nothing is funny.
everything is just dreary.
im really trying ot get my faith back but it is so hard when you are knocked down at every turn.you know how they say when one door closes another one opens. well i am waiting but i dont see one opening anywhere.
im going to miss my nephews graduation i was so looking forward to going home i miss home so bad.
i know i sound like a baby i hate life right now,and on top of it riley has strep throat and we had to walk him to the hospital.
gawwwd i need a break.

comfortably numb

i woke up today tired,but not the tired you are probably thinking of. no this tired is an emotional tired. im tired of struggling,im tired of having faith.
im tired of everytime we get 5 steps forward we are throwen 8 steps backword.
tired of being blindsided. if i wanted to be a quarterback i would play football.
im just tired of it all.sometimes i just want to walk away from everyone and everything. at least i would know people cared.go to a small town and start over with a new identity. i know i cant do that but it sounds so nice.

defeated

that is the only way to describe how i am feeling right now. everything was going along great. we were financially stable for the first time in our lives.
we actually had money leftover when our bills were paid.and then it happened .
my husband crashed our van and totalled it.i felt like someone pulled the carpet out from beneath me.i lost all of my breath and didnt know when it would return.
now i just feel comfortably numb.you know i see all of these commercials,saying get up and start you life anew. and im sitting here screaming i'll go but where's the damn door. i dont even know enough to find the door.
i always thought we were good people. now im left wondering what we could have done so wrong to never be rewarded with nothing but stress and heartache.
i have my faith and that has always got me through.but how much faith can one person have and keep getting kicked constantly.before you feel defeated .
i know god dosent give us more than we can handle,but i just wonder why he trusts me so much.
i need a break and i dont see one in the forseeable future.
i know this too shall pass,but its a long road waiting for it to.
im not sure i am strong enough to get to the end of the road this time.
and im not sure i even want to.why just to be kicked back down to start and go through it all over again.
it scares me i feel this way.

have you ever felt like you lived at the doctor's

i feel that way all of the time.i mean I am seriousley thinking about asking for a job.either that or tell the kids we are going on a camping trip until summer is here LOL!.
if my kids can catch it,break it ,tear it,cut it,they will. i told my pedi i was going to start charging her for running late lol.
i mean how is it doctor's are allowed to run as late as they want and you can either choose to wait or reschedule. but the problem with that is if you reschedule you end up waiting them too.
i mean they can make us reschedule if we are more then 15 minutes late.
but it is ok to make us wait 2 hours and we get im sorry im running behind. and are supposed to be happy with that.
im sorry that does not make me happy, just as an apology from me wouldn't make them happy if i was 2 hours late.
so really my point to this post is doctor's have such a double standared sometimes.
so does anyone want ot join me on a sleepover at the peds office lol .
and do you ever ntice your kids don't get sick until right after the doctor's office closes or in the middle of the night.
so you call the pedi on call and the nurses from the childrens hospital answer .
and they ask you a hundred questions. only for them to tell you that they will have the doctor call you .
ok you could have told me that 25 minutes and a 100 questions ago lol.

who knew that would stick to a ceiling

i just want to give all of you moms out there a little piece of advice when you hear those words dont look!!!! my 8 year old came running to me earlier today and said mom i have to show you something so i said ok is it bad he said no
so we go into the kitchen and there stand my 3 and 4 year old with the oh shit mom caught us look but im looking around and dont see anything out of place
so i look at my 8 year old and he just gives me his big toothy grin and pointed up towards the ceiling and oh my god there is wet paper towel all over my ceiling looking like a new faux treatment i might of kept it up if i dint see the bounty quicker picker upper label on the towels but man it would have been easier to keep it up there
why did i have to go look i would have been perfectly contented to live in my bubble of make believe instead of cleaning that mess up LOL!

now 4 hours later my arms are aching but i do have one clean ceiling

turned 34 today

well today i turned 34 omg i cant believe i admitted that LOL! funny when i was in my 20's and didnt have boobs that look like a grandma skiing without a bra
i had all of this energy ,now i have none and when i say that i mean it !!!
i feel like i am destined for a rocking chair with a lap quilt
how did i suddenly become my mother ??!!!!! it's like i blinked and i now look like her act like her catch myself saying to my kids what she used to say to me
it's scary!!!!!where did my 1st 34 years go will i have 34 more i feel like i am just sitting watching my life fade away

i know that probably sounds crazy but man when did i grow up and not look at only tomorrow but the future also!!!!! i mean dont get me wrong i have always looked at the future but the future im talking about now is the futureeeeeeeee the one like 30 years away
i wonder what i will do when i no longer have kids hanging off of me and spit up on my shoulder 9 hundred loads of laundry a day it scares me to think of that
because it scares me to think my kids are what define me as a person
what kind of person am i going to be without my kids at home
charlie will be entering 9th grade soon and shania will be going into middle school next year it is all hitting me so hard the older i get

wow havent written in awhile

well i had high hopes for 2009 haha the joke is on me right
it started out with my daughter being hospitalized,then everything just happened in a domino effect we had the flu go through our house twice
between me throwing up and hubby throwing up and all 7 kids and the dog being gross i feel like i was on an episode of this is your life only i felt cheated cause it wasent what i picked LOL i wanted to pick a life where the bills are paid and the dog dosent poop on the floor the babies dont whine and the older kids have moved out and above all no one sick
but then i had to get back toreality and realize i wouldnt trade it for anything
even though somedays an ad on ebay auctioning off my family does look mighty appealing LOL!
hopefully i have gotten rid of the sickies i have sprayed down everything that stands still with lysol including my kids and the dog i got to get hubby tonight who knows what he brings home

so all i can say is bring on the soap opera's and the bon bons i want to live like housewives do on tv!

customer service does it not exsist anymore???

have you ever noticed that customer service dosen't exsist anymore??,i mean everywhere you go it just isnt there ,like today i went to walmart to do some grocery and misc shopping well i had to exchange an item so we went to the customer service desk first , and behind the counter was the most rude,condescending young "lady" and i use that term loosley.i went up and said to her hi how are you today which i got no response and she just stood there smacking her gum which i hate i just wanted to pop her big obnoxious bubbles all over her face!!!!so i preceed to tell her i bought this item but when i got home the inner seal was broken and i would like to exchange it for a new one ,so after a few minutes of a completely blank stare bubble popping face she finally talks!!!! omg i was shocked she had a voice LOL! so after that fiasco i went about my shopping and i went to the diaper isle to get some different diapers and the size i needed was all the way in the back of the top riser shelp so here i am struggling frantically trying to reach these diapers and how many walmart associates walk past me and see me struggling and dont offer to help
4!!!! yup you read that right 4 associates walked right past me and didnt say anything

so after trying like a lunatic for over 5 minutes to get these diapers i see 2 associates standing about 10 feet away talking and that got my blood boiling
so i walk over to them and tap the one lady on the shoulder and said do you think you could help me get those diapers down to which she informs me that is not her department but she will find the person that is in that department to help me
what????? you cant take 2 minutes and help me are you serious ??ahhhhhhh so i finally had enough waiting around and took matters into my own hands and went over to the cleaning isle and got a broom off of the rack and went over and preceded to knock the size i needed down
mind you if anyone would have walked up behind me they probably would have had their head taken off from my seriously bad aim lol
hey i never claimed to be good at baseball right? LOL!
but man im sure i could have benn good at knocking some of the associates heads around if they were in front of me

but on a good note at least i got my jane fonda workout for the day LOL!

luvs diapers suck!!!!!

so since tucker is my only one left in diapers i bought a jumbo pack of luvs ultra leakgaurd my ass diapers!!! the legs keep coming apart and the damn gel beads gets all over everything
so i write the company and ask them when they are sending someone out to keep cleaning up the beads their response was
we are so sorry you are having problems with our diapers ,beads getting on your little ones skin is common???? please accept the coupon we are mailing to you and we hope you continue to use luvs diapers . ummmm hello 2 things first off you didnt answer my question on when you are sending someone out and 2nd since when is it normal for those gel beads that are supposed to absorb the liquid INSIDE the diaper to be on the outside of my baby's skin

sometimes i wonder where they get these people who answer emails i mean does nobody proof these??? i have seen better apoligies from my 1st grader
let me tell you that boy can make up some excuses and he can do them on the spot he is so good is i wasent his mother and i didnt have mommy radar i would believe him
he could sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman wearing white gloves that little shister LOL

so back to the luvs story if they think they can shut up this overwhelmed momma with a damn coupon for more of their shitty diapers (no pun intended) then they have another thing coming
oh yes i want your free diapers so i can keep cleaning up beads hmmmm sounds like a bargin right not!!!!!!!!

why do doctors waste people's time

so maddie broke her toe 2 days before christmas and it is still aching bad but nobody can tell me why so they sent us to the pediatric ortho today we get there on time may i add and have ot waitr 45 minutes past our appointment time so they finally call us back and they look at her toe and begin to tell me they have no idea why it is still aching well ok so where do we go from here i mean she is waking out of a sound sleep crying so the doctor proceeds to look at me when i ask him where we go from here like i should have the answer um no thats why i came to you
so basically they put another walking shoe on it and sent us on our way and said to come back in 2 weeks
yeah thanks a lot for nothing and for wasting my time and gas maybe i should bill you for my time since if i show up late you make me reschedule what my time isnt as precious as yours

now i am home doing laundry yay

i hate mondays!!!!!

what is it about monday's i have no energy i just want to go to bed for the whole day lol
have you ever noticed nothing ever goes right on a monday? well let me tell you about my lovely morning started out i couldnt sleep at all last night so i tossed and turned dealt with a minor anxiety attack finally went to bed at 3 am only for my husband to wake me up at 530 am asking me to drive him to the metrolink umm sure honey i only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep while you have been sleeping soundly since 1030 pm but i would be happy too not!!!! so i drag myself out of bed it's freezing outside and drive my hubby to his train on the way home i am thinking yay i can go home and crawl back into bed and set the alarm for 630 am to get the kids up for school
well i get home and all hell breaks loose and is hitting the fan big time
maddie is up saying opps mom i forgot i had homework last night i said to her how many pages only 3 mom she said meanwhile she isnt dressed and the bus comes in 12 minutes
so i must be looking at her like she just sprouted 2 heads because she said what mom when i break out of my flabbergasted state i am left wondering how my child who is smart and gets honor roll at school can be so blaise about forgettig homework and looking at me like it is my fault umm hello i asked you last night 4 times if she was sure she didnt have any homeowrk

so after that little crisis the next one hits and it is like a freaking domino affect and i start to feel like i am dodging one of those machines at the batting cage where the baseballs just keep coming

my one son cant find his bookbag my other son dosent want ot wake up the baby is crying and his diaper is busting a huge sag my 3 and 4 year old are hungry and thristy the dog poops on my floor and needs to go out my other daughter wants her hair braided






ahhhhhhhhhh hello all you little bloodsucking anklebiters i am only one person!!!! one i am not an octopus with 8 arms although i wish i could be most days i want to call in sick somedays but i cant


fast forward to now kids out the door dog poop cleaned up burnt pancakes and tornado household ,diaper changed later and you get one tired momma

it's sunday sleep in!!!!

it's sunday you know gods day to rest well oviousley my kids missed that memo
are they sleeping noooo they are up wreaking havoc and finding the noisiest stuff known to man
i am sitting here trying to drink my 1st cup of coffee and they are acting like they all had IV'S of coffee while they slept man it is certainly going to be an excedrin day today
i would like to line up all of the creator's of noisey toys and all the gift givers of noisey toys and give them a good slap this morning

you know growing up me and my friends used to laugh at tired,stressed out moms when and how did i become what we laughed at ?
when did i become that tired ,stressed,baby on one hip,baby spitup as a new perfume person
i used to leave the house dressed nice,now dressing nice constitutes leaving the house without one stain anywhere ,including places i cant see

how do men get off so easily ,nothing really changes for them ,they get a hot shower in peace ,get to go to the bathroom in peace ,leave the house stain free and have adult conversations
while us women get the cranky sick kids,nap times,spitup, a 1 second shower where one of them is always asking mom are you coming out or crying at the door ,we get an audience when we go to the bathroom, dr appointments, the whole 9 yards are we the lucky ones or the ones getting the raw end of the deal again

when my husband leaves the house in the morning all smiles and freshly showered i really want to smack him sometimes especially when he says have a good day honey

hahaha a good day yeah right LOL!

one of these days i will see the humor in all of this and look back with fond memories just not right now when my son is jamming a cold metal hotwheel up and down my leg

i want chocolate!!!!

why do you always want something when you dont have the money for it? i want chocolate so bad at this point i am ready to go down to my local gas station and offer to work off a candy bar LOL! i am sitting here laughing at the fact that i cant afford a candy bar lol thanks to the wonderful economy most of us are probably in the same boat .man it's pretty sad when you rob peter to pay paul and you still cant pay paul or peter . but on a positive note the white house got 1/2 a million dollar china settings hmmm what is wrong with this picture . i think i will go raid my husbands pocket for change lord knows he has everything else in there wrappers,screws,bolts,keys for sure he has to have a few quarters right? knowing my luck it will be a couple of pennys . man you know the saying when life gives you lemons to make lemonade well life hasent even given me lemons i want my lemonade dammit lol ahhhh tomorrow is a new day right