amazed!!!

when i look at my kids, i get amazed. these little people are shaping into their own person. and everyday they learn something that just flabbergasts me.it's amazing to know,one of my children could grow up to be the president or the next scientist,that discover's a cure for a major disease.they are like little sponges and just absorb anything and everything.but it is also scary being a parent to know what you do or don't do.or how you handle something could affect the way they do things or see things. it's scary to know you hold their futures in your hand.my son will be entering high school this year and i think to myself,have i done everything right is there anything i should've done different?
it is scary to think that one decision,no matter how trivial the matter seemed. could have a lasting effect on our children.we have the honor and burden of raising the future generation and we only have one chance to get it right.there are no do over's.and that both frightens and amazes me all at the same time.
i find myself wondering what kind of parents they will be,when i sit there looking at shania comforting one of the babies. i get a great feeling cause she is very nurturing.and then i worry when my kids make the wrong decision, am i looking in to the future or was this a one time deal.kids are truly a blessing and amazing and scary all at the same time.

I HURT MY SHOULDER

uggg from carrying grocery bags home from the bus stop. it is all purple and i can't lift my arm hardly at all. the bus stop is 2 blocks from my house. that's the closest i can come to my house.it was pouring rain and me and the kids got stuck in it. we were trying to get home fast.the stroller can only hold so much.
by the time we got home, we were so wet we literally rung our clothes out. of course i was just in a t-shirt because my jacket is missing.it is so frustrating, i try to make the most out of every trip. because it is 15.00 a trip .but i can't buy too much because we can't carry it home. can't afford a taxi it is 40.00 one way.
and if i forget something, my choices are to get back on the bus or go without it.
i'm tired and frustrated. and just keep telling myself this too shall pass. it takes 2 busses and 1 hour each way to get 5 miles up the road to our walmart. so 4 busses and 3 hours later after transfering busses twice both ways we are home ugggg.

life

just some random thoughts today.is your life where you thought it would be?
mine definately isn't.now don't get me wrong,i never imagined i would have everything handed to me on a silver platter. and wouldn't want it that way. i like working for everything we get.but i honestly was raised thinking if you live right and do onto other's your life will be good.if you worked hard you would be rewarded.i am blessed in many area's of my life, for example i have a wonderful husband who would do anything for me and the kids.and i was definately blessed with beautiful,thoughtful children who i love more then anything.
but my life is so much harder then i thought it would be. so many struggles and i know the tough times only make you stronger. and they make you appreciate what you do have.i learned that lesson well after we went homeless and lost everything. i don't miss the material things, the only thing i miss that we lost is my kids baby books those are not replaceable, and all the pictures of my 4 older kids as babies. thankfully my mom and sister gave me all of the pics they had from when my older kids were babies.i cherish them. and have started a scrapbook for each of my kids with their pictures so they have some type of baby books. i just wish somedays life would be easy, it would be a nice change of pace.
hey i can dream right? LOL!

blah

do you ever have days that you just feel tired. im talking the whole tired like physically,mentally,emotionally. im having one of those days today. there really is no reason for it,im too tired to type, to talk,to think, to care. iv'e never been this kind of person.i have exhausted myself caring about people all of the time.
but who really cares about me in return?i have a very select few people who i know really do care.but the rest i know respond to me just to respond or just to get their post count up. and then i find myself wondering why should i care if they don't. but i can't bring myself to be like that it just dosent come natural to me.sometimes i just wish i didnt care, but i do . i just wish more people showed me the same care in return.
i haven't been around on the message boards lately.only responding here and there. i just don't have the energy to type what we are having for dinner and i just don't care what other people are having either.
and im sick of getting 300 views and only 5 or 6 replies. so i dont bother posting much anymore. so since i dont have that outlet to get support i just write it on my blog and it makes me feel better to type it out.
no real point just rambeling i guess.

uggggg strep

yup that's what i have. i walked to the hospital. where they took my vitals and then gagged the crap out of me with the strep swab. got put back in a room. the doctor comes in and looks at my throat and said i am starting you on medicine .
im not even waiting for the test results. so then i go to the hospital pharmacy to fill my prescription.see them loading this huge bottle with these huge horsepills.and i just knew it was mine,cause i am lucky like that.and then she told me i have to take 2 of these huge pills 3 times a day for 10 days .ummmm ok my throat is so swollen but i will choke them down.now on day 3 my throat is almost all better .i can actually swallow without feeling like i am swallowing razor blades.uhgggggg just shoot me

bus drivers are rude

i never realized this until i started having to ride one
i get on today tucker in one arm. and 4 huge grocery bags , im tired ,cold and stressed to the max and i was trying to get my money ready with my numb hands and the bus driver yells at me hurry up!!! and take a seat. why the rudeness i was going as fast as i can. i told him very calmly i hope he never has to ride the bus with his arms breaking off with 7 kids and he just sighed a rude sigh. im sick of waiting in the cold,sick of rude people ,just sick of life in general.
everyone keeps telling me to have faith. well i just dont have it right now. usually i get through these kinds of things with humor. but right now nothing is funny.
everything is just dreary.
im really trying ot get my faith back but it is so hard when you are knocked down at every turn.you know how they say when one door closes another one opens. well i am waiting but i dont see one opening anywhere.
im going to miss my nephews graduation i was so looking forward to going home i miss home so bad.
i know i sound like a baby i hate life right now,and on top of it riley has strep throat and we had to walk him to the hospital.
gawwwd i need a break.

comfortably numb

i woke up today tired,but not the tired you are probably thinking of. no this tired is an emotional tired. im tired of struggling,im tired of having faith.
im tired of everytime we get 5 steps forward we are throwen 8 steps backword.
tired of being blindsided. if i wanted to be a quarterback i would play football.
im just tired of it all.sometimes i just want to walk away from everyone and everything. at least i would know people cared.go to a small town and start over with a new identity. i know i cant do that but it sounds so nice.

defeated

that is the only way to describe how i am feeling right now. everything was going along great. we were financially stable for the first time in our lives.
we actually had money leftover when our bills were paid.and then it happened .
my husband crashed our van and totalled it.i felt like someone pulled the carpet out from beneath me.i lost all of my breath and didnt know when it would return.
now i just feel comfortably numb.you know i see all of these commercials,saying get up and start you life anew. and im sitting here screaming i'll go but where's the damn door. i dont even know enough to find the door.
i always thought we were good people. now im left wondering what we could have done so wrong to never be rewarded with nothing but stress and heartache.
i have my faith and that has always got me through.but how much faith can one person have and keep getting kicked constantly.before you feel defeated .
i know god dosent give us more than we can handle,but i just wonder why he trusts me so much.
i need a break and i dont see one in the forseeable future.
i know this too shall pass,but its a long road waiting for it to.
im not sure i am strong enough to get to the end of the road this time.
and im not sure i even want to.why just to be kicked back down to start and go through it all over again.
it scares me i feel this way.